Thanks, but I'll just try the dragon
by SkyeMoor
Summary: A story in which the damsel declines to be saved by the knight, and decides to try the dragon instead.
1. Theo's Side

It had been a rather ordinary February, in the Ministry of Magic Legal Department, home of laws, and books, and dozens of cases of both minor and major import. Theo had been working a tricky one involving the sport of Quiddich and performance enhancing potions. It was the talk of the office, even if it was out of the papers - for now. Theo wasn't exactly a gloryhog, but he enjoyed people knowing his name. He particularly enjoyed the confuddled looks on the Aurors faces' - particularly the ones who had, once upon an age ago, been Gryffindors. It seemed to upset their ever increasingly unstable balance of emotions to find a Slytherin in the Legal Department. Well, perhaps not that, so much as one who was on quite a crusade against corruption. (Oddly enough, Harry Potter was the sole Gryffindor who didn't blink an eye, and just got down to work - it'd take quite a lot to drink for Nott to admit it, but he'd gotten quite a few useful tips out of Potter).

March was turning into a rather different story, as the entire staff of the Daily Prophet had decided their meal ticket was coming out of the Ministry's Legal Department. Theo wouldn't have minded it nearly so much, really, if it had been about a case. Even if it had been black marks across the board, it would have been about work.

No, this was completely preposterous bullshite caused by _Hiring Decisions_!

Theo had done the Slytherin thing when Mr. Marlow and Mrs. Livingstone decided to scoop up Malfoy and Granger. Now, he was rather regretting that choice. Perhaps if he'd just pointed out that they were hiring two of the most inflammatory people in the entire Wizarding World, this fiasco wouldn't have happened. But no, Theo was certainly not the person to be pointing it out - the Heads of his Department would simply have thought he was being prejudiced. And it was true that Granger and Malfoy had managed to not burst the doors down with shouting or hexing.

So, the bloody paper had decided that was an Issue of Note. By the end of the first week, it had gone from "What will they say?" to "Their dramatic confrontation has led to them avoiding each other" (if only it had ended there, but oh, no, it had said "at work")

By the start of the second week, Granger and Malfoy still hadn't spoken. This wasn't unusual, they weren't assigned together on any projects (Theo had specifically requested Malfoy, and Mrs. Livingstone had taken Granger under her wing. Which just meant that they were the two lowest gophers, and didn't really get to make any decisions at all).

But still, they didn't say a single thing to each other, and by the end of the second week, the papers were publishing rumors of Bondage and Blackmail, all wrapped up in a tidy NotAtWork romance. Which, Theo thought with an aggravated sigh, would have been a sight more interesting if it was actually happening.


	2. Hermione's Side

Hermione Granger was quite looking forward to working in the Legal Department. She was good at finding loopholes, and better at fixing them. Reading and writing laws was one thing, but this was enforcement, and she thought it would be a better career move than Magical Creatures, anyway. Because Hermione Granger had fixed the department, and then there'd been nothing to do. So she'd left, and come to Legal, where most of the Magical Creatures cases were being sent now anyway.

She hadn't thought it was going to be much issue working in the department - one of the Department Heads was a Ravenclaw, and the other a hard-charging Gryffindor. Oh, she'd known about Theo Nott, of course, and had been following his career with some glee - she'd even posted a few articles about his tactics (even as filtered through the Daily Prophet, they were something to see) on her wall. And she'd seen Malfoy interviewing at the same time.

She hadn't really expected Malfoy to manage to slip through the door. Entering the Legal Department wasn't what you expected for someone coming off Community Service. And most particularly not a Malfoy. She was a bit skeptical of where he'd wound up, too, working for Theo Nott, another Slytherin. Now, she wasn't saying that Theo was dirty for hiring Malfoy, but she wouldn't put it past anyone to not see Malfoy's value as "more than your usual gopher..."

Her first day on the job, she'd resolved to ignore Malfoy if he ignored her, and to engage in polite conversation if that was how he'd like to play it. Anything more full-contact than that, and Human Resources could deal with it.

It wasn't quite ignoring, was what Malfoy was doing. And Hermione Granger _still_ hadn't figured out how she wanted to handle it.

As part of their jobs, they both were regularly sent to get coffee. Whenever Malfoy wound up heading in that direction, and Hermione was already there, he'd just walk by.

And that would have been perfectly fine.

The issue was that his eyes were on her, the entire time. And she didn't mean on her perpetually out of control hair. No, they were on her legs, or on her bottom. Constantly. Not that he said a blasted word to her! No, he kept treating her like she was an object - but not one that he was allowed to be looking at, as whenever she'd whipped her head around, he'd found someplace else to stare, rather than her admittedly-heated glaring eyes. How he thought he was fooling anyone by staring at the water cooler was _beyond her_ , but he still tried it anyway.

By the second day, she was returning the favor. It was on principle, she assured herself, and not just for revenge. If he was going to just stare at her, she was going to do the same. It took her about two days before she realized that if his tush wasn't so neat, she would have figured out a different response. She knew he knew that she was staring, but he somehow managed to not react to it, which quite honestly surprised her. She'd have figured him to be strutting (if he wanted the attention) or insulting (if he didn't). But the entire lack of response was weird.

And the papers were just getting worse. Mindy Brocklehurst, who sat in front of Hermione, had taken to putting the paper on Hermione's desk when she was done reading it. So Hermione, who'd never been able to turn down even a trashy novel, always had a look. By the second week, the stories had become so wild she was tempted to give the reporters a piece of her mind.

Unfortunately, that would reflect poorly on her department, and her job reviews would take into account her hot temper, even if it was expressed outside of work time.

Worse, Ron Weasley was getting back from a Quiddich clinic Victor Krum was holding on Romania. And Hermione knew he'd look at the paper first. The **last** thing she wanted was him storming into the Legal Department attempting to rescue her from someone who hadn't even spoken to her. And so she'd resolved to take a Working Lunch on Friday...

[a/n: Yeah, if Hermione had more imagination, she'd come up with worse circumstances for a patented Ron Anger Attack.

Can you think of some? If so or if not, leave a review!

To: the reviewer who complained that I don't write long enough chapters. I was going to write longer ones for this, but I honestly think the breaking up of viewpoints is a good reason to have multiple chapters.]


	3. Draco's Side

Draco Malfoy would have cheerfully told you that _anything_ was better than changing bedpans. He wouldn't have really meant that, of course. War has a rather rude habit of bumbling back into your thoughts when you least want it to. And he'd done things in the war that were considerably worse than changing bedpans.

But Draco also firmly believed that he was allowed to go off into a snit about the loss of dignity and self-respect that Community Service entailed - so long as he kept a smile on his face, and was a generally pleasant (or at least diligent) worker. Because you did such things privately. Don't let them see you crack was a motto he was learning to live by.

But, that was a week ago, back when he'd been applying to the Legal Department.

He hadn't thought his life could get any worse, really.

It had.

First, he'd been hired, only to find that his _Dear Old Friend_ Theo Nott had asked for him _specifically_. And that just meant that Dear Theo wanted him for more than just fetching coffee.

Reputations were like that, thorny things that clung to you like little hooks, unwilling to be pryed off. And Draco Malfoy had a reputation, as did the Malfoys in general. Draco Malfoy's reputation was for being a bit of a weasel, and someone decent at twisting words until you thought the sky was black. The Malfoys' had a general reputation for cleverness and blackmail - the power behind the throne, as it were.

Theo Nott had cultivated a spotless reputation, but that was **_not_** what he'd hired Malfoy for. "Find me a good case," He'd said, and given Draco the look. Draco recognized it because he'd used it on Theo and younger Slytherins all the time as a callow youth.

At least it was for a good cause.

That was Draco Malfoy's first day... almost. Turns out he really was expected to get coffee too. Who knew? He'd thought he'd managed to be more valuable than that, but... apparently not. It was only a jot of solace when he noticed that Granger was apparently also not above "Coffee Duty."

Of course, that just left the question of what to do, when your Most Awful Classmate, turned War Hero, turned Unexpected Coworker is getting coffee. Did he approach her? Did he ignore her? Draco Malfoy didn't particularly _want_ to be wearing the coffee she was fetching, and he rather thought she might squeal and toss burning liquids in his direction. Draco Malfoy had thought all this while letting his gaze rest on her feet, because he didn't want Granger to turn around and meet his steely gaze. He wasn't feeling very steely, either. Not that he'd let her know that. Eventually, he pulled himself out of his reverie, striding by the breakroom to circle back in five minutes, when Granger would be gone.

And that was the first day.

The second day, Draco Malfoy was fetching coffee, when he caught Granger looking at him - specifically, at that section of him below the waist and above the knees. Shite, Draco Malfoy thought. First, she'd "caught me staring" yesterday, and apparently when I thought I was looking at her feet, she'd decided I'd been looking at her legs. Mum, why couldn't you have taught me this, alongside those lessons on "Don't talk to a girl's breasts, dear, it's dehumanizing."

Well, two could play at that game - dehumanizing that is.

The third day, when Draco Malfoy was second to the break room first thing in the morning, he took the moment to look at Granger's... well, you know. And if you subtracted out her freaky medusa-like hair, and that awful look she perpetually had on her face (when talking to her two idiots - not the one she wore when talking with him. If he had to be perfectly honest, that one was kinda hot).

The papers then decided that the lack of talking between Malfoy and Granger clearly meant that there was a Forbidden Romance going on. And that would have been fine, by itself.

But papers, by their nature, bore easily, and by the second week, there was blackmail and bondage and all sorts of unsavory things. Naturally, they were all committed by Draco Malfoy - he absently wondered if Granger had ever done anything bad in her life. Not once, to hear the papers tell it. But everyone knew the papers lied.

By the middle of the second week, Draco and Granger were both eyeing each other's flanks up, as if they were both pieces of meat at the butchers'. And Draco Malfoy was just heartily sick of the entire fiasco.

So when Granger gathered her things, for a Working Lunch out of the office, Draco Malfoy invited himself along:

"Off to lunch, I see..." Draco Malfoy slid in, in a patentedly snide way.

"A Working Lunch." Granger snapped, disliking his insinuation.

"Perfect, I'll join you." Draco Malfoy said, smirking a smile in her direction, as her eyes lit with aggravation.

Granger tried, "Who-?!" But Draco Malfoy simply cut her off.

"Of course I'll pay." Draco Malfoy said, picking up his own valise.

Granger's face smoothed, and then smirked, "I know just the place!"

Draco Malfoy suddenly had a very bad feeling about this.

[a/n: Leave a review? I laughed when coming up with this. Originally, Draco was a lot more... passive-aggressively assertive - honestly staring at her butt, not "You started it!" I like this way better.]


	4. Ron's Side

Ron Weasley was getting off the boat, when he first caught sight of the paper. He stopped, blinked, and then grabbed the paper without even paying for it.

He was steamrolling towards the apparation point (heedless of the shopkeep demanding payment), wanting to run this by Harry.*

Ron apparated just feet away from Grimmauld Place, emerging and pounding on the door, "Oi! Harry!"

Fortunately for Ron, Harry Potter was indeed taking lunch** at his house. Harry threw open his door, with a grin on his face, "Glad to see ya back, mate!"

Ron walked in, getting the door closed behind himself, and then laughed, loud and long. When Harry was just about to ask, "... The Bleedin' Hell?" Ron shoved a paper in his hands. "Can you get a load of this? Prophet thinks Malfoy snagged a job in the Legal Deparment at the Ministry! Ain't that mental?"

Harry Potter blinked, and said slowly and hopefully firmly, "He does work there." Ron looked at Harry, who nodded slowly, saying "No joke, mate."

"Blimey! We've got to help her!" Ron said, and cast a tracking spell. In the span of two moments, Ron had apparated away.

/~~~~/

Ron appeared in the McDonald's that Hermione had taken Malfoy to. For long moments, he stood blinking. Hermione, however, had picked up her wand (beneath the table), and around Ron, there was suddenly a cloud of billowing smoke. With gritted teeth, she said to Malfoy, "Stand up and clap, NOW."

Summoning a smirk, Malfoy stood and started to clap effusively. Hermione clapped as well, but looked a little less impressed. She said crossly, "You need to work on that smoke. It's supposed to appear _before_ you materialize."

Ron hadn't realized it was possible for a smirk to get bigger - wider - whatever, but Malfoy's managed it. "What mental nonsense is this?" he asked, then shook his head, "It's obvious, isn't it, he's blackmailed you!"

At this point, Harry Potter appeared, walking through the door in more than a bit of a hurry. He'd been halfway through the door in time to hear Ron's last comment though, so as he approached he said, "Since when does someone need to blackmail Hermione to work on her job?" Ron sent an annoyed and petulant glance at Harry.

Meanwhile, Malfoy had seated himself, and was scrawling something on a piece of paper, as he idly asked, "Care to join us? I'm told none of the food is good, but perhaps the company will make up for it."

"You're just using this as cover!" Ron Weasley said, "For Extortion, or blackmail or - Bondage!"

The rest of the party was looking at him like he'd lost a wheel, but when has that _ever_ stopped Ron Weasley from doing What's Right?!

"Come on, Hermione," Ron said, grabbing her by the arm, "we can detox you out of Stocker's Syndrome, easy as pie."

"Ronald Weasley, I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions." Hermione Granger said, her mouth opening for a long rant. Ron didn't care, so long as she was acting like Hermione, and not Malfoy's bitch.

Draco Malfoy leaned into the picture, and said, "So how about it? One date. I double dog dare you."

Hermione looked over at him, eyed him up and down, and said, "Done." She turned quickly, looking at Harry, and said, "Be a dear and get this back to the office, I'll -"

"We'll sort it in the morning." Malfoy interrupted, slinging an arm around Hermione Granger and tugging her out the door.

Ron Weasley sat there blinking. Confused, he turned towards Harry, and asked, "What was that?"

Harry, still studying what Malfoy had wrote, said quietly, "You really shouldn't have pushed her, Ron."

"I was trying to save her!" Ron said.

"From something that didn't exist," Harry said, with a sigh. "Of course she was going to get upset if you thought she would let herself be brainwashed."

With eyes wide, Ron swallowed, suddenly understanding.

"Now look at what you've done!" Harry said, throwing up his hands, his eyes still locked on the piece of paper.

*even Ron grows up. A little.

**Ginny doesn't like people pounding on her door like CroMagnon cretins.

[a/n: Okay, so maybe Ron's not grown up that much. I tried. He's way more fun this way, as an instigator.

Ahem. What Hermione had said (before our POV got here), was "none of the food's good, it's phenomenally unhealthy, but it does taste great!"

Hermione was leaving the office so Ron wouldn't be cra-cra in the office.

That's Stockholm Syndrome that Ron's mentioning. Nobody should be surprised that he doesn't remember the name.

Up Next: Harry's perspective. Your game for tonight: what all has Ron missed?

If you don't feel like playing, just leave a review!]


	5. Harry's Side (Part One)

Believe it or not, Harry had entirely forgotten that Ron Weasley was getting off the boat today. So, it was entirely a fluke that Harry was even home - most days as an Auror, he was staking out one place or another, or eating with his partner. Today, though, he was pulling night shift patrol on a suspected whorehouse (not that whorehouses themselves were illegal, but witch-smuggling most certainly was).

So, when Ron knocked on the door, Harry leapt up to see, and with a sigh of relief he let his old friend in. However, the relief was shortlived, as Ron immediately started laughing about the paper, "Can you get a load of this? Prophet thinks Malfoy snagged a job in the Legal Deparment at the Ministry! Ain't that mental?"

Harry suppressed a smirk - Ron never had anything good to say about the Legal Department, and this was the time he picked to think the best of them. With a serious-looking face, Harry responded, "He does work there. No joke, mate."

Ron's response was seriously unexpected - "Blimey! We've got to help her!" he cried, and then he quickly cast a tracking spell.

Harry's eyes followed the pointme on the map, so he didn't see Ron's cracking disapparition.

It wasn't pointing at the Ministry. It was pointing to Muggle London.

Shite.

Ron had just apparated to... he'd just gone to wherever Hermione was.

Some days, Harry hated his job. Today, Harry hated the paperwork he was going to need to file because of his hot-headed friend. Taking the time to find the nearest licensed apparition point (Inspected Daily to ensure no street urchins were busy in the alley), he spun himself into Muggle London, his normal attire quite easily passing for "mugglegear" - as well it should, being bought in muggle stores. It was lucky that Ron was wearing quiddich pads - they'd pass for Sporting Equipment of Some Odd Sort, rather than "Possibly Just Graduated" clothing.

Harry trotted from the apparition point towards where his portable spell told him Hermione was. His heart sunk when he saw it was a McDonald's, then lifted just a bit when he saw the billowing smoke inside. Hermione was trying, at least. And if it didn't work, the Ministry could always obliviate the Muggles.

Harry opened the door just in time to hear, "What mental nonsense is this?" Ron asked, then shook his head, "It's obvious, isn't it, he's blackmailed you!"

As Harry rushed over, he noticed that standing beside Hermione was Draco Malfoy - applauding. Harry's heart sunk. Malfoy had a smirk on his face, and that was like a shark's smile, just about ready to lunge at the flailing human in the water - in this case, Ron Weasley.

Closing in on the fracas, Harry saw the piles of briefings, and relaxed minutely. Harry grinned, saying to Ron, "Since when does anyone need to blackmail Hermione to work on her job?" Ron glared at him, but Harry didn't mind - Ron was being an idiot, again. Harry could just see it now - Malfoy having invited himself along - wanting to have someplace neutral to talk. Malfoy, of course, wouldn't have been aware of Hermione's penchant for burying herself in her work, and was probably halfway convinced by now that she was completely ignoring him out of petty spite.

Meanwhile, Malfoy had seated himself, and was scrawling something on a piece of paper (which Harry wanted to read, but couldn't crane his neck to do so unobviously), as Malfoy idly asked, "Care to join us? I'm told none of the food is good, but perhaps the company will make up for it."

Harry smothered a smirk as he rapidly had to revise "How this had gone" before Ron arrived. Apparently Malfoy had asked what was good on the menu, and Hermione had given Her Answer ("none of the food's good, it's phenomenally unhealthy, but it does taste great!"). Harry knew this was her answer as it'd been the exact one that she'd given him on his first trip to McDonalds. And it was the same answer she'd given a considerably more jumpy Ron when he'd first come there.

Ron interfered with whatever might have happened next (Harry might have just sat down, figuring a decent conversation might prevent an explosion of frustration later. Neither Malfoy nor Granger was known for keeping a good rein on their temper when roused).

"You're just using this as cover!" Ron Weasley said, "For Extortion, or blackmail or - Bondage!"

Harry looked at Ron, letting his eyes bulge out as he looked incredulous - but he was more focused on Granger and Malfoy, both for the remote possibility that it was true, and the substantially more likely possibility that hexes would start flying. Luckily for his paperwork pile, Granger and Malfoy looked much more astounded than Harry did. And that was _not_ the look Hermione would give if Ron had figured something out.

"Come on, Hermione," Ron said, grabbing her by the arm, "we can detox you out of Stocker's Syndrome, easy as pie." _Um, Ron? Even I know that's a dumb idea, talking to Hermione like she's some fragile damsel_. Harry hadn't quite figured out how to say, well, anything before Hermione started in on Ron.

"Ronald Weasley, I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions." Hermione Granger said, her mouth opening for a long rant. _Oh, Merlin, this is going to be bad. The sparks haven't been this bad since they broke up._

Draco Malfoy leaned into the picture, and said, "So how about it? One date. I double dog dare you." _Well, I'll be, Malfoy saves the day. Wasn't expecting that, that's for sure. And since when does Malfoy know Muggle slang?!_

Hermione blinked once, briefly looking perplexed. _She noticed the slang too._ Then, Hermione looked over at Malfoy, eyeing him up and down. _Shite, she's actually considering it..._ With a wild grin, Hermione said, "Done." She turned quickly, looking at Harry, and said, "Be a dear and get this back to the office, I'll -"

"We'll sort it in the morning." Malfoy interrupted, slinging an arm around Hermione Granger and tugging her out the door. _What the devil was Malfoy writing?!_

Harry seized the note, and read - while Ron asked him, "What was that?"

The note said:

 _Potty, -_ Because of course Malfoy needed to use childish nicknames. That was a great way to get himself taken seriously, Harry thought with a snort. Legal Dept. My Arse!

 _Before you have a heart attack,_ \- Harry's eyes glared at the page, not because it was a lie, but because it was an uncomfortable truth.

 _Remember that Granger's always been able to take care of herself._ \- Harry knew that, but... it was Malfoy, and old habits die hard. Harry's, at least. Hopefully not Malfoy's.

 _If I were you, I'd worry more about me!_ \- Harry did have to think about that, and, he hated to admit it, it _was_ Malfoy who'd always had a mouth to get in trouble with.

Harry responded to Ron, while still reading the note, "You really shouldn't have pushed her, Ron."

With a frown, and balled up fists, Ron responded, "I was trying to save her!"

"From something that didn't exist," Harry said, with a sigh. "Of course she was going to get upset if you thought she would let herself be brainwashed."

 _Go ahead and calm your Weasel down. -_ again with the immature nicknames. Harry supposed he ought to be thankful that Malfoy hadn't used Mudblood.

 _And **if** there is a wedding, it'll be because of_ him. - Harry shook his head, of all the cockamamie ideas.. Thanks Malfoy! Give me something else to worry about!

"Now look at what you've done!" Harry said, throwing up his hands, his eyes still locked on the piece of paper. He had it folded up and in his pocket before Ron could snatch it from his hands.

"Since you caused this mess," Harry said to a thoroughly embarrassed looking Ron, who would seemingly never learn, "Help me get it all cleaned up. We can't leave before the table's clean."

Ron started to pick up Malfoy's papers, before turning to Harry and saying, "What's this? It looks like some notes on Chairs!"

"Hopefully not electric," Harry Potter said dryly (Leaving Ron baffled), as he started to read...

 _Apparently McDonalds deliberately creates chairs that are uncomfortable, to maximize profit..._

Harry had to do More Revising of what had happened before they'd got there. Apparently Malfoy had actually grown bored with Hermione ignoring him (she ignored everyone while she was working, but Malfoy probably didn't know that), and had started complaining about how uncomfortable the chairs were. Hermione Granger had simply launched into a lecture on why they were that way, not bothering to look up from her work. Malfoy, ever the practical businessman, had taken notes. Outlined beneath the notes was a quick scrawl for a Wizarding Quick Service Luncheon establishment.

Then Luna Lovegood, with bottlecap necklace and carrot earrings, walked through the door.

[a/n: not quite done with harry yet. As you might have expected, Ron missed nuance. Harry's missed "Malfoy was arrogant about Hermione accepting the date." Why is Luna here? Leave a review!]


	6. Harry's Side (Part Two)

"Luna!" Harry said, perking up, "Didn't expect to see you here!"

Luna looked at him with her mouth curled into a small smile, "Can't say I expected to be here, either."

Ron was staring at the table, the notes long since slid through his fingers. Blankly, he turned to Harry, and asked slowly, "What just happened? I know I had it wrong, but what _really_ just happened?"

"I figured you'd need one, so I just grabbed mine on the way in," Luna said, handing Harry a laptop.

"You're the best, Luna!" Harry said with a wide grin. Somehow she always knew things before anyone else did. It was weird, but he'd learned not to question it. To Ron, he said, "I'll let you know what just happened when I figure it out."

Thankful for the wifi, Harry's fingers danced over the keys, "Hermione's homepage... There. Wow, she really does have My Perfect Date as a link."

Luna started looking over his shoulder, as did Ron, interested almost despite himself. Ron guffawed, "Paris!? Who's idea of a perfect date is Paris?!"

"It _is_ the City of Lovers," Harry said, with a smile, knowing that Ron was a homebody above all things, and loathed travel. What Ron liked best was his own room, and good homecooked meals. He wouldn't go out to even a local chip shop without someone else suggesting it. Of course, Molly had actually been good at cooking. Harry sometimes thought he'd like home cooking a lot better if someone in the Dursley's house could cook.

"You could have just asked me, you know!" Luna said, grinning.

Harry, frowning, noticed that someone had asked Hermione about her Perfect Date - this wasn't just an unprompted "I'm Telling THE WORLD!" post. _Now who do you suppose that was..._ Absentmindedly, Harry responded, "It's more fun this way."

"You know something, don't you, Luna?" Ron growled.

"I may have bent the rules to get them a portkey to France." Luna said, her dress tinkling as she fidgeted with its high hem.*

"Luna!" Ron said, sounding outraged, though Harry thought he was at least half faking. One developed a rather high tolerance for what the oddball Ravenclaw would say and do.

"What? It's my job to bend rules and make exceptions." Luna said, crossing her arms under her breasts. "Besides, Malfoy had quite the bribe."

"Oh?" Harry asked, knowing with a sinking heart that Malfoy _did_ keep bribes for people just lying around _in case of emergencies_. Flying by the seat of his pants on a date _apparently_ counted, too.

"He had quite the collection of apparent Nargle sightings." Luna said, "A full _dozen_! I'm going to have _so_ much fun investigating them!" Harry was reluctantly impressed with the sly git, which was unfortunate as it led to _I wonder what sort of bribe Malfoy has for me? Actually, I don't want to know, but I'm going to keep thinking about it until I come up with something._

"Let me just double check they're actually where I think..." Harry said, pulling out a cellphone and ringing the restaurant in question. "Yes, is Monsieur Malfoy and his date dining at your fine establishment today?"

"Yes, they are working on the menu as we speak. Would you like me to ask one of them to come to the telephone?" the Frenchman responded from the other side of the line.

"No, I don't need you to call either to the phone." Harry Potter smiled, "Thank you very much."

"I'll just be taking these back, then," Luna said, having gathered up all of the books and stray papers.

"Do you need any help with that?" Harry inquired.

"No, I think it's Nott who's going to need help. His gopher is going missing for the rest of the week." Luna said, smiling breezily.

"I thought they were coming back after lunch?!" Harry asked/demanded, starting to get a bad feeling about this.

"I believe Mr. Malfoy will have a harder time bribing my counterpart in France, as he's never met him before." Luna said, smiling. "He likes dragons, you see."

[a/n: Luna, everyone! I'm planning on wrapping this up with a Luna perspective, and leaving it go like that. This bears a lot of thanks for other writers: Aggretsuko, for the perpetual busybody that Harry turns into... Arrested Development, for the "daring into cwazy ideas" dating methodology...

Leave a review, and I'll write more quicker, I promise!]

*high enough that while standing, her hands can reach the hem. Minds out of gutters, boys!


	7. Luna's Side (Part One)

Luna hadn't been expecting Draco Malfoy. And she really hadn't been expecting Hermione Granger. Nonetheless, she wasn't particularly surprised to see them show up together. They did work together, after all.

What surprised her was Draco Malfoy. He had the most priceless bribe she'd ever seen! A clear invitation to visit Malfoy Manor (in the next seven days), to investigate all manner of creatures that might inhabit it.

She'd been so pleased at the offer that she'd given the two ... lovebirds? Luna figured they were unlikely to be doves, probably crossbills. After all, they always seemed to get their lines crossed. And spoke over each other to boot.

Well, one portkey to old Paris was easy enough. And Luna "neglected" to make it two way, figuring that she'd get a lot more done if Malfoy Manor wasn't inhabited by either one irate (or depressed) Malfoy, or a giggling, caterwauling couple. Besides, Luna realized from the way that Draco Malfoy had neglected to apologize to her, that he was entirely enamoured of this game. His eyes had said that he would have otherwise.

"Aasta La Pasta!" Luna Lovegood said, waving them goodbye. She wished she could see their expressions when Malfoy realized how difficult it would be to get back. Hermione's would be a treat - But There's Work To Be Done! Luna smiled, knowing full well that there were things more important than work. That was how she got to be a supervisor, after all.

Luna used a simple point-me spell, to find Ron Weasley, knowing that he'd have found some way to give those two the kick in the pants they needed (although, knowing Ron, without him realizing what he was doing, or that it was actually helpful).

Fully prepared to explain to Ron that the world wasn't ending, Luna Lovegood materialized nearby the quaint, brightly colored restaurant, picking up her laptop from the apparition point's storage locker. Someone was going to need to explain what had happened, and for some odd reason, Theo really seemed to like computer graphics, particularly charts.

Luna relaxed as she stepped into the plastic restaurant, looking at Harry Potter. _One problem managed, then._

"Luna!" Harry said, perking up, "Didn't expect to see you here!"

Luna looked at him with her mouth curled into a small smile, "Can't say I expected to be here, either." First thing this morning, tweaking the system to get Draco Malfoy a portkey was the farthest thing from her mind.

Ron was staring at the table, the notes long since slid through his fingers. Blankly, he turned to Harry, and asked slowly, "What just happened? I know I had it wrong, but what _really_ just happened?" _Bit slow on the uptake today, are we?_

"I figured you'd need one, so I just grabbed mine on the way in," Luna said, handing Harry a laptop. _Always keep something for emergencies, and let it be something no one would guess._ Luna kept a laptop specifically for that purpose.

"You're the best, Luna!" Harry said with a wide grin. Somehow she always knew things before anyone else did. It was weird, but he'd learned not to question it. To Ron, he said, "I'll let you know what just happened when I figure it out."

Thankful for the wifi, Harry's fingers danced over the keys, "Hermione's homepage... There. Wow, she really does have My Perfect Date as a link."

Luna started looking over his shoulder, as did Ron, interested almost despite himself. Ron guffawed, "Paris!? Who's idea of a perfect date is Paris?!"

"It _is_ the City of Lovers," Harry said, with a smile. Luna briefly considered patting Harry on the head, before deciding that he might explode. _Even without the horcrux, he was tempermental. Must remember not to mention the horcrux, seeing as they **still** haven't told me._

"You could have just asked me, you know!" Luna said, grinning. _Not that she minded, it was always a pleasure to watch Harry The Auror at work. She'd always liked detective novels, anyway._

Absentmindedly, Harry responded, "It's more fun this way." _I certainly think so! Otherwise I'd have interrupted._

"You know something, don't you, Luna?" Ron growled. _Don't I always?_

"I may have bent the rules to get them a portkey to France." Luna said, her dress tinkling as she fidgeted with its high hem. _Look just a little unsure, they'll think that I didn't really mean to not tell them. It's more fun this way, but try telling them that!_

"Luna!" Ron said, sounding outraged. _Ron never could take a single one of my jokes. I ought to play more on him. Fylchisnax next, I wager!_

"What? It's my job to bend rules and make exceptions." Luna said, crossing her arms under her breasts. "Besides, Malfoy had quite the bribe."

"Oh?" Harry asked.

"He had quite the collection of apparent Nargle sightings." Luna said, "A full _dozen_! I'm going to have _so_ much fun investigating them!" _No need to tell them they were all in Malfoy Manor. Dear Merlin, they might want to accompany me, and then I'd get Nothing Done!_

"Let me just double check they're actually where I think..." Harry said, pulling out a cellphone and ringing the restaurant in question. "Yes, is Monsieur Malfoy and his date dining at your fine establishment today?"

"No, I don't need you to call either to the phone." Harry Potter smiled, "Thank you very much."

"I'll just be taking these back, then," Luna said, having gathered up all of the books and stray papers. _Theo is going to love this!_

"Do you need any help with that?" Harry inquired.

"No, I think it's Nott who's going to need help. His gopher is going missing for the rest of the week." Luna said, smiling breezily.

"I thought they were coming back after lunch?!" Harry asked warily. Luna fought back the urge to smile like a fox.

"I believe Mr. Malfoy will have a harder time bribing my counterpart in France, as he's never met him before." Luna said, smiling. "He likes dragons, you see."

"Au revoir!" Luna said, bustling out the door, before dashing back inside, to Harry's, "Oi! Your laptop!"

[a/n: up next: Luna meets Theo.

Please review!]


	8. Luna's Side (Part Two)

Luna waltzed through Theo Nott's door, sitting down at Malfoy's desk and starting to lay out the paperwork. She hummed a jaunty tune, her carrot earings bouncing as she stared at a piece of paper, turning it upside down to read.

Eventually, Theo said, "Can the music - you _know_ I can't stand racket while I'm working." He'd been writing a letter to someone - a formal legal one by the fine quality parchment used.

Luna looked up, and said in her crystal voice, "Do I?" She was well aware that he hadn't noticed the replacement of his employee.

Theo Nott looked up, his mouth gaping open, and then said, "What are you _doing_ here?! You're not allowed to look at those files! You're _not_ -" _It was always so funny when people tried to tell Luna what to do. It never worked, but they insisted on trying it anyway._

Luna Lovegood stood up, a piece of parchment in hand, as she walked to Theo, and passed him the paper. "Clearance, dated yesterday." _Did you really think it would be that easy?_

"But you don't even work in my department!?" Theo said, clearly temporarily forgetting about The Missing Malfoy Affair, due to the presence of Loony Lovegood.

"My department is functioning just fine," Luna said patiently, "Thanks for asking. Yours, on the other hand, is short multiple gophers." _At least my department gives the bottom rung reputable paperwork to solve. Yours just has them run coffee and collate briefings._

"Short? Wait, where is Draco?" Theo asked, dropping his quill and sending a splat of ink onto the white floor.

"Paris, although the sprites say he might try a trip to Munchen next." Luna blinked a dreamy smile at Theo, "He's anxious to get back to work, you see."

Theo looked at Luna and sighed, "When do _you_ think he'll be back?"

"After the honeymoon." Luna said, smiling a shark's toothy grin.

"What?" Theo started to say, before sighing, "No, don't tell me, just get out of my office and let me drown in my work."

"That wouldn't be very nice," Luna said, looking slightly sad.

"No, but you'll do it, nice or not." Theo growled, "Or I'm not a Slytherin." _Are you trying to threaten me? How sweet._

Luna perked up, saying, "I've outwitted one Slytherin today. Why not make it two?" _I think I do threats so much better than you do. Don't you?_

Theo only sighed.

[a/n: Yes, Luna may have had more than one reason to prank Malfoy.

Reviews welcome, appreciated, and begged for!

This is the last chapter of the story.

(although... I suppose I could do one for Fred/George and the betting pool...)

Thoughts?]


	9. The date of doom (waiter's perspective)

Really, when the two of them had come through the door, and asked for a table, what had they expected?

Of course he'd seated them near the kitchens (it wasn't near the loo, he wasn't that cruel).

Still, he observed, as was his habit. It helped in providing good service, which he took pride in at all times.  
Americans might even forget and tip.

This had all the hallmarks of "awful first date, never to be repeated."

And that was where a true waiter was supposed to shine. Break the ice, dissipate the awkwardness - even, say, be a bit goofy.  
"Greetings mademoiselle and monsieur. May I interest you in our wines today? The owner wants me to suggest the Bordeaux, but-" here he leaned down and towards both of them, "The house red is just as delightful." Then he skillfully touched his finger to his lips. "Of course, the choice is yours." He gave a small bow and left them with the wine list. Even the second cheapest wine - that 'the owner' had suggested - was priced reasonably.

Waiting tables was art, after all.

They looked like they were just out of work, and it was lunch. It would be a decent trick if they'd ordered anything alcoholic, truth be told.

"I don't think-" the bushy haired brunette said.

"We'll have two glasses of the house red," the dainty looking blond said, cutting off the brunette.

 _Not the most promising of starts_ , the waiter thought, shrinking away from the fiery look the brunette was giving the blond.  
Worse yet, they didn't say a word to each other until he'd returned.

"Two glasses of our finest house red." The waiter said with a bow.

"I can't believe you ordered for me!" the brunette said sternly.

"Who is to say that I did?" The blond smirked, and grabbed the lady's glass, putting it on his side of the table. And then he smirked, making his pointy face look somewhat more handsome.

The brunette, true to her termagant nature, grabbed up his glass, and defiantly took a large gulp.

 _At least she can handle her wine,_ the waiter thought. As he bustled around the other tables, they were quiet, awkward, ill-at-ease.

"You know we're supposed to be falling in love right now?" the brunette said.

The waiter had the distinct pleasure of seeing the blond's eyes nearly fall out of his face.

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's the way the story goes."

"No, no," the blond's eyes had lit up, "I'm supposed to be pining away for love of you." He took a dainty sip, running his tongue across his lips. "It was love at first sight, you see!"

"Pity, isn't it, that the stories are such bunk?"

"More lively this way. Besides, I always hated being the villain."

"You loved playing the victim!"

"True," the blond said, "Didn't mean I meant to get a hippogryff killed."

 _I must be mishearing things - that didn't sound like an English animal._

"How did that happen, then?" the brunette said.

"My father caught wind of my skiving, if you must know." The blond sniffed.

The brunette giggled, "What _are_ we going to tell them, when we get back?"

The blond said, "That depends. We could tell them the boring, ordinary truth - a talk between old rivals, culminating in a tentative alliance."

"How is that the boring tale?"

"Because we could turn the tables on them - if your Gryffindor self won't shy away from some lying." The blond smirked.

"You're evil!" Hermione said. "Not that I'm above spinning a tale, I just think that it wouldn't be the best in this particular circumstance."

"Worried that Weasel might die of a heart attack?"

"More worried that Rita might die of an Orgasm."

The waiter was suddenly sure that he was going to stop eavesdropping.

[a/n: They were very, very awkward. This lasted over ten minutes. Leave a review?]


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